Empowered to Change

Reading Bringing Out the Best in People by Alan Loy McGinnis reminded me: The more we pressure someone to change bad behavior, the less likely they are to comply.

Alan Loy McGinnis explains that true change rarely comes from external force. Pushing creates resistance. Instead, lasting habits formed through identity, environment, and making the right actions feel natural and rewarding.

The same dynamic plays out in raising children. Many of us grew up hearing constant directives from loving parents: “sit up straight,” “clean your room,” “finish your food,” “be nice to your sister.” Day after day, well-meaning instructions bombard kids from the people they admire most. Then, preteen year comes around and all of a sudden, kids realize they don’t like being told what to do anymore.

Through wise counsel, we took a different path with our six children. Inspired by principles like those in Bringing Out the Best in People, we held back on criticism, commands, and constant corrections. Instead, we focused on encouragement, clear explanations, and modeling by examples.

For instance, rather than saying, “Share your toys,” we would say, “These are your toys. You get to decide if you’d like to share them with others, or not.” Amazingly, they chose to share every time. When we gave them genuine ownership and trusted in their judgement, they rose to the occasion. We modelled and expected responsible behavior, and they duplicated it.

We’ve all seen tantrums erupt in public places or restaurants. We wanted to avoid that. So, we turned everyday moments into fun games. Reading instructions became an adventure; mealtime manners turned into “prince and princess” role-play. They excelled as courteous little royals because it felt joyful, not forced.

Children live up to our expectations. When we switch off negative presumptions: “They’re going to misbehave”, and turn on positive ones: “They’re capable and kind”, they pick up on the energy. Pair it with respecting their limits, by not stretching them beyond what’s age-appropriate, then behavior improves naturally.

People often assume our well-behaved kids come from strict rules. The opposite is true. We gave them ownership over their time, attitude, and possessions. They knew what they controlled, so they acted responsibly.

Of course, this started with us as parents. We couldn’t pour out positivity if our own inputs were negative. Raising children became an extended self-improvement journey: Cut out draining influences, flood ourselves with uplifting books like Bringing Out the Best in People, wholesome shows, encouraging words.

As Scripture puts it:

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
— Philippians 4:8 (ESV)

The secret isn’t more pressure, it’s better inputs, more freedom within love, and modeling the identity we hope our kids will embrace. When we focus on who we are becoming, rather than what we’re forcing them to do, the better selves show up in all of us. Soon, it becomes their identities.